Dream with me

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This is unusual for me. I'm either happy or depressed, I don't usually go for the grey area of emotions inbetween but here I am. The way I'm feeling however, depression can't be far off.

I'm on my own. No one seems to want to spend any time with me or do anything with me. They all seem to have other plans.

So of course you start to wonder. What is it about me that makes me so damn dull? What is it about me that makes me so unappealing. What do all those other people have that I *don't*?

I feel utterly deserted. Kathy is back in America for good, Charlie and I never talk anymore and Sam and Lee aren't really options now are they?

All my other friends would rather drink themselves into an early grave or spend time *with only their boyfriend* or sit around in a class room all evening!

I feel...very desolate and very very alone.

Would they even notice if I wasn't here? If I went home none of them would even realise. If I locked myself in my room for a week and never went on MSN they wouldn't even notice.

What is it about me that makes me so forgetable?

Why am I the one sitting here on my own?

Why do I have to be me? Why can't I just be someone else? Can't I go back to pretending to be a full human being, the way I did for so long before all this? Am I expected to pretend to be happy again?

I can't do that. I can't do anything.

I just don't want to feel anymore.